Blair

Yesterday, we said goodbye to Blair, our dog of over 10 years. We had her since the day she was born and she was by far the best dog we've ever had. It was a quick happening, but nonetheless one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

I guess it is part of growing up. And it sucks. You don't understand how those furry creatures work their way into your life, until they aren't there anymore. They provide unconditional love and affection no-holds-bar. Nothing we do or say will turn away their smiling faces and wagging tails.

When driving home from the vet, the car eerily silent, other than a few sniffles, I found myself longing for the world to stop. Not to say that I want everyone to feel our pain, but I want them to acknowledge it. I want them to stop what they are doing, pause, and tell me they are sorry. I want the world to stop, but I need it to keep going on. It is a double-edged sword. I need the world to keep turning like it does. Please stop, but please keep going.

I also find myself asking, "when love can end like this, why love at all?" I never even question love until it is compromised. There is no question as to the nature of love or the quality of love until that compromise (death, letting go, pain, betrayal) walks in. To feel sadness is to have felt love. I'll risk the sadness to say I had loved every time.

It really has been quite a grace-filled week. My mom, who typically doesn't have a lot planned, has lots of things to keep her busy. My sister, Sarah and brother, Matt, had the time to trek up I85 for the weekend. We have things to fill our time and time to be silent. That's grace at it's finest. Though she had been sick for awhile, the decision needed to be made quickly. And though that does not make the pain less, it lessens the blow in some way.

I don't do a good job of asking for help. I'm pretty stubborn like that. I don't do a good job of seeking out people to help me. I never want to be a burden. I never want to take more than I give, which is why you will always see me giving. But I'm thankful to say that I had people pursue me to find out how I was doing. I had people put their lives, their families, on hold, to comfort me. For that, I am thankful, and forever indebted. They ask nothing in return, however, I will give them anything they need. And pray I can do the same for them if they ever need it.

Good-bye is never easy. There is never a good time. There isn't a convenient time for good-bye, but in time, pain lessens. Life moves on. And for a moment, it is ok for it to stop.

"Blair" Fishel
August 2001-November 2011
Thank you for barking occasionally, wagging incessantly, and loving unconditionally.

The Journey

Recently, I had the "God is all good" conversation 3 times in one week with 3 different people. It forced me to ask myself, "Is God all good?" When people die in car accidents, when children are hurt unexpectedly, when life gets bumpy and finances are shaky, is He all good?

Yes.

My experience with the goodness of God is just that - an experience - experiences. Day to day wonderings about His character become actual realities when I live them. God is all good, however, this world is not all good. People are not all good. Circumstances are not all good. But He is all good. I found myself trying to convince these friends that God is all good. Regardless of the situation, He is all good. Because there is no black and white answer. As people, we long for black and white answers. We long for concrete, things we can explain.

And God is the complete opposite. He is abstract. And He is unexplainable. He is in all instances of the phrase - grey. The perfect blend of truth and grace. The perfect blend of abiding by societal norms and shattering them.

It has forced me to stop. It has forced me to think: Do I believe God is all good? What do I do with all these questions that don't have answers? How do I answer their questions?

The more I thought about it, the more I talked it out, I kept getting to the same answer: the journey. The answer to all of these questions is the journey. It is the striving (in a good way) to be different tomorrow than we are today. It is the pursuit to "be holy as He is holy: (1 Peter 1:15). The questions that in someway embody "if God is all good, why do bad things happen?" is answered: the journey.

The goal is to be different tomorrow than I am today. The goal is to be healthier, stronger, more faith filled, happier, more secure, more like Jesus tomorrow than I am today. On the journey is where all the questions of life are answered. Some of them have answers we may not like. Some of them have no answer this side of Heaven. And some of them have answers that we cannot understand in our present state.

As we journey toward Christ, we will find more out about His character. He will let us in on difference facets that not only show us how beautiful He is, but show us more and more about who we are.

No one said it would be easy. No one said we wouldn't have trials. It is in fact the complete opposite. But there is something exhilarating in the journey. There is something all together scary and exciting about not knowing what's next.

The journey is where it's at.