The Blind Side

I just went to see The Blind Side. I don't say this about many movies, but it is a must see. It is about an upper class white Tennessee family who takes in an underprivileged African American boy. But they do more than take him in. They become his family. They provide for his needs, give him opportunities and love him like he is their flesh and blood.

But the best part is that these were real people. And this just happened...in like 2005. It's good for the soul to hear that people are helping people. We get a snapshot into a truly selfless family. A family who did not have to give what they gave. And their son, Michael, did not become a statistic, like he probably would have been.

Hollywood won with this one. On the heels of movies like Orphan and Saw III which are heinous and utterly disgusting and degrading for the soul, finally, we get a movie that is uplifting. Not a single person in the theater (which was 95% full) got out of their seat throughout the whole 2 hour movie. No one even left until the credits had rolled and the pictures of the true life people had been shown.

But what is truly inspiring is we have the opportunity to be those people. We have the opportunity to change people. It doesn't have to be the take them in, clothe them, buy them a car kind, but we get to laugh, smile at, or simply give something away and change people.

It really does start with one step.

The Blind Side portrays a Christian family who gives of themselves, sacrifices their reputation and doesn't give up when people don't understand.

Shouldn't we be like that?

Great. Big. God.

So, I had this pretty sweet homeschooling/ tutoring gig. The key word in that sentence is "had". I got a call last week from the mom saying, "I've decided I don't need you anymore to help homeschool my son." I had no idea she was displeased with me. However, she clearly was.

First of all, that's a punch to the pride. Second of all, it was my job. Lame, I thought.

I had gotten a text this morning with the "we need to talk" line. How passive is a text? I mean, really? Then a phone call. Don't get me started on that. Passsssive.

Anyways, after the grievous news, I called a few people, shed a few tears, heard some encouraging words, and headed off to class (it was something to take my mind off of the previous events). I've trusted God before, so I can trust Him now. He knows He created me to like to shop, He knows what gas will cost per gallon next week, and He knows I am going to France for Christmas. He knows. So, after a quick freak out, and assessment of my current finances, I let it go. There's nothing I could do about it anyways. And heck, clearly that's not where He wanted me working.

Tuesday morning, I went to work out with a few teacher friends and mentioned these happenings to a friend. By 11:00 that morning, I had a voicemail with a job offer. Now, mind you, I got "let go" at 3:30 on Monday afternoon, so I was dumbfounded. Shocked. Excited. Scared. And completely in love with the God of the universe.

How's that for quick? By Friday, I had a sweet gig worked out till Christmas break. I work half days shadowing 2 Kindergarteners. I get to see my mom whenever I want. I got my own office. Two of my favorite people work here, both of whom I get to either eat lunch with or sit in on their class. And I get paid to do this? Unbelievable.

And that's just it. He's able to do more than we could ever imagine. He outsmarts us every day. He knew exactly what I would need and for how long I would need it. He knows where my heart is and who needs to help nurture it when I can't go any further. I'm convinced that up in Heaven He is orchestrating what these days will mean for my future.

So, honestly, I'm glad to have had to free fall for a little while. I'm glad God let me have a freak out, then fixed up something for me better than I could ever imagine.

He might know what He's doing after all :)

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." - Ephesians 3:20-21

My New Toy

I've been taking guitar lessons for about 2 months. But, I've been playing guitar on this old, crappy guitar. The action is too big. The strings don't stay in tune. And it's just simply too big for me. But, it has worked thus far. So, I've been looking for a new guitar... or a like new guitar. I've scoured craigslist, ebay, asked around and couldn't find anything in my price range. Since I am taking an overseas trip in December, spending a few hundred more dollars on something I don't "need" seemed silly.

So, I'll wait.

In a brief passing conversation, I mentioned this to a person I know. They had a guitar and I offered to buy it (depending on the price) and take it off their hands. The hadn't played it since college and it was just an oversized door stop at this point. They brought it for me to check out and the instant I opened the case, I said to myself, " can't afford this."

It was shiny and in perfect condition. A couple of minor scratches on the back from use. A locking case, a tuner, an extra set of strings, a pack of picks, and a strap were in the case, too. "Now, I really can't afford this." I picked it up. Played one chord and fell in love... sort of. Remember, I can't afford this.

I try hard to not get too attached to the things I know I can't have.

So, because this person had taken the time out of their day and their busy schedule to lug this guitar to me, I asked... "How much do you want for it."

"Nothing." was their response. Nothing? No, really? Haha, not funny. That guitar is worth something.. a lot of somethings... not nothing. "No, really. Nothing. You can have it."

This is when I realized that I don't handle free gifts well. For my entire life, gifts have had strings attached. My dad always says when he buys us things that we need to give him another grandchild because he bought that for us. Really?

I tried to hide my joy, well, not really. I sort of jumped up and down. Astonished. Astonished that this person would give away a guitar. They don't need it, but I wanted it, so they gave it to me. To bless me. Simply no other reason than they wanted to do it.

My question now: "How do I receive this?" ... Just take it and say thank you. And then use it.

I have been pondering this whole series of events. This is where I've gotten: I don't receive free gifts well. I love giving gifts, but I don't really know how to receive them. My whole life the gifts I have received have had strings attached.

Then I got to thinking about God's love. He is so like this. His love is free. Unmerited. Unearned. And we do not deserve it. But He gives it. And He gives it in abundance. We just need to take it, say thank you, and then use it. We get the opportunity to take His love and then use His love.

I'll get it one day.

"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." 1 John 4:9-10

Some People Change

The pastor at my church has been talking about different aspects of Jesus' character for the past few weeks. This past weekend, he talked about how Jesus believed that people can change.

Can they?

Peter went from a called fisherman to a denying disciple to the rock of the Christian church. And Jesus, in his first encounter with Peter in John's gospel, changes his name from Simon son of John to Cephas (which, when translated, is Peter). - John 1:35

Abram became Abraham. Sarai became Sarah. Jacob became Israel. Simon became Peter.

Jesus saw people for what they would become. He saw people at their full potential. He saw Peter as Peter, not as Simon, who would follow, deny, and then be a rock. Just Peter. Just a rock. Peter didn't even know he was a rock. And I'm sure as he watched Jesus do all the things that defied explanation, Peter questioned all kinds of stuff.

But when we've been hurt by someone, how do we hold onto the idea that they can change?

Jesus laid his life down because he believed people could change. He came solely because he believed people could change. He believed I could change. Jesus sees us and saw his disciples for what they would become, not what they were.

I get so stuck in a here and now mentality that I lose sight of what is coming. Our pain keeps us stuck in a here and now mentality, when someone hurts us, I think we lock them into the category of "you hurt me".

But what does it take to put them in a different category?

There are a hundred abstract things I could put here. They include: forgiveness, love, patience, time, a miracle... and many more. But I want concrete. I want one relationship fixed. I want to go back out to coffee and things not be weird. I want to send text messages and get responses. I want to walk in the room and that person say hello. That's what I want. That's concrete. Yet, I have not succeeded at the abstract stuff yet... forgiveness, love, patience, time...

Maybe I'm the one who hasn't changed... And maybe my trasnformation, like hers, has to come from the inside out.

Philippians 1:6 "...being confident in this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

In Heaven, A Parade

Winston- Salem buried a fallen police officer yesterday. It is a sobering reality. One that hits far too close to home, for my sister is a police officer.

I stood in the rain yesterday on an overpass and watched hundreds of police cars, motorcycles and other vehicles take Sgt. Hutchens to his gravesite in Yadkinville. From Wait Chapel, down Silas Creek Pkwy and every exit down 421 was blocked with law enforcement and fire trucks. No one could get on the highway going in that direction. I'm sure traffic was backed up for miles... It was really quite incredible to watch. People on the opposite side of the highway got out of their vehicles with their hands on their hearts to honor him as he was headed to his final resting place.

In some ways, Winston shut down because it lost one of its defenders.

Don't we all want that? We want society to shut down in some form or fashion because we are not here anymore. I know I do. I want there to be a loss when I go. I want there to be a hole because I had so much to offer and because I meant something to this world.

I'm encouraged to know that Sgt Hutchens was a strong Christian. There was even an alter call at his funeral. His wife told my mom that God knows everyone's timing and that my sister should keep doing what she loves to do. She even told her that his parents were out at the police car witnessing to people as they left cards and flowers. That's how good comes out of evil.

Will hundreds of police cars escort me to my grave? Probably not. But hundreds of angels will welcome me into Heaven. On earth, we get a processional. In Heaven, we get a parade :)

My dime store pearls

I had dinner tonight with an old friend. And by old, I mean one whom I have been friends with for awhile. We are, in fact, only like a year apart in age. Nonetheless, we caught up. Honestly, we had been trying to have dinner/beer date/ chat time for the ENTIRE summer and 3 days before Labor Day landed a dinner date.

It was lovely. Especially if you count the super awkward waiter who incessantly wanted to fill up our glasses of water even though we were totally content chewing on pellet ice (like they have at Sonic). He even asked her where she worked... 3 times, annnnd ignored me. Haha.

However, I digress.

(But don't you just love friends who you can just pick back up with after a long time? It seems like no time has passed at all. Love it!)

We caught each other up on church, work, love lives (or lack thereof), and various weddings, births and other exciting events that had happened in the recent past. Then we began talking about the weather. Thankfully, fall has descended upon Central North Carolina and brought a much needed reprieve from the 90+ degree weather.

She made the statement, "I really like season changes." This was a double entendre as to the weather change as well as all the seasonal changes we are facing in some of our friendships.

I stopped her and said, "I, however, am not at that point. I don't deal well with change. And I'd rather stop having so many seasons in my life. I feel like they are always so short."

With great wisdom, she shared with me her point of view, saying, "the good thing about seasons with friends is that they can always come back around. Just because you aren't friends now, or things look different, doesn't mean you will never be friends again. And with the weather, I have found that I like the beginning of all the new seasons. It's refreshing to get cool after a long summer, and then warm after a long winter. I like all seasons!"

In all honesty, I can't say I'm there yet, but I did have the same refreshing thought this morning when I was walking the dog about how glad I was that it was getting cooler. I guess I never really applied that to all the other aspects of my life. At the end of a hot summer, all we really want is a cool fall.

I just finished reading the book, Ocean Star, by Christina DiMari. It's about her journey and the places she had to go to in order to reach the place God wanted her to be, so she could fulfill His ultimate destiny for her. In the book, she surrenders a very precious set of dime store pearls that her (now deceased) father had given to her. She "surrendered" them to God. Puts them away. Trusts. After a few years, God brings her someone who gives her a set of real pearls that touch her heart deeply. She even had to borrow a pair of real pearls to wear on her wedding day. Yet, on her 15th anniversary, she wore real ones :)

I think it's the same way in life. We hold on so tight to what we have thinking God doesn't know best. We pretend that dime store pearls are precious when, in turn, God wants to fulfill our heart's desire to have the real thing. God always wants me to get closer to Him, but I hold onto the things I have, and it holds me back from Him. We hold onto the fake, and because of that, we are sacrificing the real.

There are things I'm holding onto right now because I'm tired of having to let go. But I think I'm beginning to understand that a change in seasons means there is new life around the corner. There has to be death before there can be life. There has to be closure before something new can be opened. There has to be an end to the old before a new beginning.


So, God, You can have my dime store pearls. I want a strand of real ones.

Joseph the Carpenter

I just went to a Bible study where we are studying Matthew. Honestly, I didn't know where this was going to go. The events leading up to Jesus aren't that fascinating, are they?

We began talking about Joseph (earthly "father" of Jesus). I have never really spent much time thinking about/ studying this guy. Come to find out, he is really awesome. First of all, in Matthew 1:19, Joseph is called "a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace..." First and foremost, we are introduced to a QUALITY man. His betrothed - Mary - turns up pregnant and he's not the father AND they aren't married. Scandal. Mary could have been called a harlot and stoned. But Joseph, the righteous man, didn't want that for her. He was going to call it quits quietly and not open her up to disgrace. How many guys do you know who would want to keep that quiet? Not many. This is a righteous man.

Keep going... in 1:20 is says, "But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, 'Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit."

A few things... an angel comes to Joseph in a dream (does this remind you of any other Joseph's in the Bible?). This Joseph, carpenter, would have known of OT Joseph and known the trouble that his dream got him into. Joseph and his coat of many colors got him thrown in a pit, left for dead, sold into slavery, accused of abuse, thrown in jail, then redeemed to the head of Egypt to save his people from famine. All of this our NT Joseph would have been very aware of (he is a Jew). Could that story have gone through his head?

But I think the most important part of this passage, and our getting to know Joseph, the carpenter, is this part of v. 20: "Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid... "The angel straight up tells him, "Look, I know who you are, where you came from and what's ahead. I got this under control."

Isn't that was all of us need to hear? I know I do. I know I need to hear, "Tatum, you are a child of the most high God. You are an heir. I know what's going on. I know what's ahead." The angel is speaking directly to the part of us that was shattered when sin entered the world - our identity.

The angel tells Joseph his name - a way of identity, but does one better when he says, "son of David." Joseph would have known that the Messiah was to come from the line of David (again, he was a Jew). I'm sure his ears perked up when he heard that part of the message. That went from "I know you're name and I know you superficially, to I you. I know your past. I know your people."

Lastly, the angel tells Joseph "do not be afraid." This statement is said so many times in the Bible and yet, we miss is all the time. I see this angel with his hands outstretched to Joseph saying, "I got this all figured out. There's no need to worry. I've been there. I saw what God was going to do and it all worked out for good."

This is what I wish we could get, what I wish I could: that God knows us, intimately. He knows our pasts, our families, our histories, good stuff, bad stuff. And He knows what the future looks like. We have no reason to be afraid, because He already has it all figured out.

"Tatum, daughter of the Most High, do not be afraid."

Oh, what a season!

So much has gone on in the past 6 weeks. I can hardly believe it.

I had 4 friends get married in the months of May and June. I took 2 summer school classes in a month, started a new job, am still working an old one, took a missions trip, and my sister had a baby :)


Wow.

Walking through a season like this has definitely tested my faith. It's hard to sit back and watch all this stuff go on for other people. I've watched myself struggle with jealousy, lonliness, fear, but also walk into incredible joy, compassion, and growth. I can't sit here and say I did everything right. I did not react in the most Godly way to all of the situations set before me, and I did shed a few tears at the constant rate of change going on in my life. But God met me. And that's all that really matters. I learned a new facet of His character - the faithful one.

I've also learned: the only constant is change.

I've spent countless hours on the phone with my council, studying God's Word over coffee, driving so I could clear my mind, just wondering where I fit in to all of this. Most of the questions I have do not have answers (yet), but I've gotten to the place where I have the ability to ask questions.

I heard a pastor once talk about how we should never question God. I'm not sure I totally agree with that. My mentor for the past 10 years has always said, "Just because you got mad, God did not fall off His throne. He can handle it." I agree with that. I ask God "why?" alot. I consider myself a lifelong learner, and I want to know why stuff is happening. I want to know what God is up to. I want to know where I'm going. I'm type A, OCD, and I even color code my calendar. So, I want to know. I mean, He wired me, right?

On my long drive to Atlanta to see my niece (!) for the first time, I was thinking about this. Here's my revelation: My desire is not to try to figure out God - that's not possible, I want God to deepen my trust in Him. I want, somehow, to understand and trust God's sovereignty.

Psalm 84:11-12
For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.
O LORD Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you.

I can trust anyone who is lighting my path and shielding me from danger. He's proven Himself time and time again. For He withholds no good thing from those whose walk is blameless.

My heart's cry has become outsmart me, God.

Teach me I'm blessed.

It's definitely an ongoing process, but I know He's working. I know He's growing me. I know He's using me. And I'm getting to experience some pretty cool events.

And at this point, there's really nothing cooler than being an aunt :)

A Little Controversy

I've been in summer school for the last month. Thankfully, it ends this weekend! Woo! I'm actually sitting in my last class right now, but I digress.

In my Children's Literature class, on the first day, we were asked the normal stuff: name, what we do, one interesting fact. I mentioned that I was a Preschool Teacher at Reynolda Church, where I also just took a job as the Assistant Director of Elementary Ministries. Apparently, that was super exciting to the people in my class. (there are only 6 of us, mind you). They asked questions about my church and what I do there, what we believe, and about the Pastor. I am incredibly biased about my church, so I was, thankfully, able to answer their questions.

The next day, I had a lady come up to me and tell me, "I really like Presbyterians because they believe in reincarnation." She smiled and I got a blank look on my face. I told her, "Well, I won't speak for all Presbyterians, but I know EPC doesn't."

I quickly emailed my boss and asked for his help. And after thinking about what he said, and about my own experiences, here is the conclusion I came to: Western religions don't typically believe in reincarnation. Christianity doesn't believe in reincarnation. I told her that, it really is impossible to call yourself a Christian and believe in reincarnation. Reincarnation is the idea that we will come back as something different based on our merit from this life. Belief in reincarnation negates any belief in an afterlife - Heaven or Hell, and therefore, there is no need for a Savior. No need for a Savior equals no need for grace.

Then that question of: why would a loving God send people to hell? came up. Well, I was reading in a Max Lucado book "Grace for the Moment" and it spoke to that. It said there are two things wrong with the statement: God sends people to hell. First, God doesn't send anyone to hell. We choose Heaven or hell. Some choose Heaven. Some choose hell. Ultimate free will. Second, people insinuates some form of innocence in its broadness as a term. Well, innocent people don't go to hell; sinners go to hell. Anyone who believes in Jesus is redeemed and therefore, saved from damnation.

I think she was taken aback, and I was, too. The bottom line is that we will be called to defend our faith. "But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect." - 1 Peter 3:15

This was one of my first attempts at apologetics - the defending of one's faith. I assume it was quite controversial since I continued to get asked questions about theology and church practices for the next few classes.

But no worry - I'm beginning to like controversy.

Grieving in Relationship

I was at a friend's house the other day and she mentioned reading in a book about grieving. We kept talking and she mentioned this term "grieving in relationship".

I began to think about what that means. What is grieving in relationship? Why do we grieve in relationship when relationship is the thing that most often causes the grief? We cry when people pass away because of our relationship to that person. We break when a person makes a poor decision because our relationship with that person means something to us.

She challenged me by saying, "If relationships grieve us, we are more than likely going to be healed through relationship, as well. We have to grieve for and with those around us to find deep, lasting healing."

So why would I, someone who grieves deeply about relationships, the loss of relationships, my role in relationships, want to turn to the thing that has hurt me to find healing? Why would we humans, repeaters of history, turn to relationships as our source of healing?

Because we are made for relationship. I'll repeat that. We are MADE for relationship. There's a reason it takes a relationship to create life. There's a reason it takes relationship to make it through life. And God's best is that a relationship (mother AND father) raise a child. God’s best is healthy, thriving relationships where people challenge each other and bring each other closer to Him.

What if grieving in relationship is the ultimate form of redemption? To go back to the thing that has hurt us most and find healing. I'm not suggesting that we go back to an unhealthy relationship and set ourselves up to get hurt again, but I am suggesting that we cannot do it alone. We cannot make it through this life alone. We WILL NOT make it through life alone. There are too many hurts. There are too many struggles.

What I heard my friend say was, "I’ll get in the trenches with you." Grieving in relationship is about finding people who will get in the trenches with you and fight the battles of life with you, and when grief comes along, they will stay there. I can tell you the truth; there are only a handful of people I want around me on the day of battle. Think about it. When someone is hurling grenades at your head, who do you want beside you?

I’m a firm believer that God will redeem anything and everything. I am a firm believer that he will make right the wrongs. I think he wants us to learn to grieve in relationship because once we can grieve in relationship, we can find true, lasting joy in relationship.

The greatest example of the redemption of relationship came over 2,000 years ago on the Cross. When Jesus Christ died, the veil tore, and He rose from the grave, He restored relationship. He redeemed relationship. He brought it back from the grave and offers it to us. The semblance of the veil tearing is the restoration of relationship. Only the priests could go behind the veil where the Spirit of God lived. Once Jesus shouted “It is finished”, breathed his last, and the earth shook, relationship was restored.

Grieve what you have to grieve. Find people who will hold your hand, and fight life’s battles with you. Know, too, that the greatest example of relationship is pursuing you, longs to be with you, and is there for you no matter where you go.

Deuteronomy 31:6 – “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Where have all the Biblical morals gone?

I was out at dinner the other night with some friends and they started to give some intimate details of their lives. It was an interesting conversation seeing as only 2 of them were married (there were 10ish of us). The rest were talking about their escapades with so and so. Or that they were so glad they lived together before they got married. Or even that they were so glad they had sex before they got married because not that much had to change when they got married (for the one who was married, and even for the engaged one).

Huh?

Wait, what? I sat there dumbfounded. I was lost at their blatant disregard for covenant love. For real love. For healthy dating and marriage relationships. I was hurt because these friends, who are Christians, clearly didn't see where they were wrong, or worse, they didn't want to recognize it was wrong.

My biggest fear is that we have become a compromising generation. My biggest fear is that we are beginning to disregard truths that are laid in plain sight in the Bible. Have we, as a generation, walked away from Biblical morals? There is a reason that Paul pleads with the Colossians to "put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, and greed, which is idolatry" (Colossians 3:5). There's a reason he pleads with the Galatians that "for the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit... The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the Kingdom of God" (Galatians 5:16, 19-21).

It breaks my heart to watch the people I love compromise. It breaks my heart to watch them settle for "good" and not "great". It breaks my heart that they think they are getting away with what they are doing because they are Christians, not knowing the seed they are sowing will reap a harvest. It may not come in their lives, but it may come to their children. All sown seed reaps a harvest. It breaks my heart to chalk this stuff off to "boys will be boys, I'll just have one more, they aren't "doing" anything when they spend the night together, it was only that one time"...

It's too late to change what has been. But it is not too late to change what is to come.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." - Romans 12:1-2

Our generation needs people who are willing to stand up in the face of compromise. Very few are willing to do that. Very few are willing to offer their bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God. Am I? Are you? I walked away from that dinner with a broken heart and cried for those friends on my way home. I cried because they are missing out on the great things that God has in store for them. I cried because they are missing, most importantly, his heart for their lives.

Offering your body as a living sacrifice, and living a Biblical life will tear your world apart. It will disrupt your relationships, alter what you watch on television and listen to, and come into opposition with things you thought were right. But the reward is the Kingdom of Heaven. And oh, how beautiful He is.

"The first step to any spiritual awakening is demolition." - Jim Cymbala, Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire

Countering Attacks

A friend of mine and I have decided to spend every (or as many as possible) night of Lent praying for one specific thing. That one thing is a relationship. A relationship that has been torn, but that we are longing for restoration for. So, we spend some time throughout the day and pray about what we're going to pray about that night...

It's been really cool to see what God has impressed upon each of our hearts to pray for that specific night. Some things are specific to that relationship, and some things are more general and are for all relationships, but nonetheless we're praying. One night we might pray to see fruit in that person, another night we might pray for their protection. And another night we might pray for that person's future. It has been really cool to see where God is working in me just because I'm devoting some time to praying for someone else.

Job 42:10 says: "After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before."

Job went to hell and back again and would not deny the Lord. He lost everything he had... his family, his friends, his livelihood, his wealth, and in the midst of it all praised God.

So, I can pray. I can spend a few minutes each night in agreement with another person and pray. To pray for my friends.

Interestingly enough, one night we prayed for conviction. We prayed that God would convict our hearts in the places we needed to right wrongs, and we prayed the same thing for this other relationship. But praying for conviction can, at times, feel like an attack.

I know we have all felt like we are under attack at times. I am starting to learn that being "under spiritual attack" is a good thing. Please don't hear me say that everything should be one challenge after another, or that I welcome said attacks, but that if Satan is willing to attack me, I must be doing something to advance the Kingdom of God that he does not like. Right? If I am no threat at all, why would he waste his time on me? But if I am a threat to the kingdom of darkness because a Kingdom of Light lives in me, then I open myself up for spiritual attack.

The good news is that we have all the things we need for any type of attack. We have a full armor of God that we should put on everyday. It will shield us from whatever the devil throws at us. (see Ephesians 6). I forget on a regular basis that I will need the shoes of peace, helmet of salvation, breastplate of righteousness, shield of faith and the sword of the spirit.

A world of chaos and calamity awaits us every day. I get out of the bed because I am already equipped to face it, and win.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (Jesus) John 16:33.

2 in one day?! ... LENT.

Our church has never really observed Lent as a whole. So I don't really know a ton about it, but I do know that Jesus gave up his everything and over these 40ish days, I can give up something. But Jesus also took on everyone of our sins. So I will take on something. My challenge is a bit obscure.

So here's what I decided. I decided, that in spite of the past year of my life where I became a worrier, that I would give up WORRYING. Haha, you might say. But here's a scripture I heard read 3 times the week of Ash Wednesday.

"They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty, and I will meditate on your wonderful works." - Psalm 145:5

Dictionary.com defines worry as: to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret.

Torment oneself? Yep. I've done a lot of that. I've spent way too many hours not sleeping because of worry. I've spent way too many hours having arguments in my head that either will never happen or happened way better than I imagined. Maybe we worry because we want to come up with the worst possible scenario, so when whatever we're worrying about does happen, it's not as bad as we imagined it. I would call that torment.

I've never been a worrier in my life before. I've prided myself on having really big faith. I've learned how to pray, worship, give things over, and walk away. So where did this come from? That's what I'm trying to figure out. I'm trying to figure where, in me, did worry begin. Where did a seed get planted? I don't know. But what I do know is that putting anything in the light makes it not look as scary as we once thought it was.

So, instead of worrying, I will do my best to spend my time thinking of the WONDERFUL works of the Lord. I will spend my time thinking of the WONDERFUL things He had done for me, in me, and through me. Those things are WORTH dwelling on.

"They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty, and I will meditate on your wonderful works." - Psalm 145:5


Side note: I wrote "worrier" and realized how close that word is to "warrior". I want to be a WARRIOR, not a WORRIER. Dwelling on His wonderful works will produce that in me :)

It's been a long time!

Wow! It has been a long time since I wrote in here. Some of it has been sheer busyness, and the rest has been laziness. I'm not even sure what I want to say. I do, indeed, feel like my thoughts have become jumbled with my impending desire to just walk away from the situations I am facing. But over the last month or so, I feel like I've learned a lot. Here are a few things I need to remember/get a better hold of:

-When I'm given 12th row tickets to the UNC/State game at UNC, I need to watch the game, not the big screen at the top of the rafters. You really can see better when you're watching in real life, from really close.

-Stop thinking about what I did or didn't say. It's over. It's done. Don't dwell on it.

-I can't change people. God can. I can't bring repentance. I can't make anyone feel any differently (though I've tried), but God can.

-I really can say too much.

-Relationships change and mold. Sometimes it's for the better and sometimes it's for the worse, but bottom line is: GOD IS ALL GOOD.

-My thoughts have become a force of their own, but I still have dominion over them. Why can't I remember that?

-There's a lot I wish was different right this very minutes, but it's not, so why waste my time thinking about it or dwelling on it? (easier said than done)

-Walking in forgiveness is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Lastly, if I could only grasp this verse, I think things would be incredibly different:
"For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you." - Psalm 84:11-12

American-ism

I think it's important to take note of today. January, 20, 2009, we, the American people, watched a new President take office. I also think it's important to note that his skin color doesn't make a difference. Black or white, Christian or Muslim, we all hold one thing in common - we're Americans.

He deserves our prayers. He deserves our support. He deserves to be spoken of positively. We have no idea what kind of pressure he is under. We have no idea what types of decisions he has to make in a split second. I don't ever want to know how that feels.

Being in discord just because he's a democrat, or just because he's black, is the most unAmerican thing we can do.

I also think it's important to take note that this man is not God. I think the American people are fooled into thinking he is the next Savior of this country. He is not. His policies will not save us unless he is submitted to the greater will of God and even then a policy will never save us. It might save our bank accounts, or our retirement funds, but never our souls. We are shooting ourselves in the foot as a nation for worshipping him. We are setting ourselves up for failure for letting this new and different (which is good) man become like God in our eyes. Support, love, be charismatic about, but never worship him.

Yes, he can be an instrument. Yes, he can be used. And I truly believe he has America's best interest in mind. But truth be told, putting him on a pedestool will only cause and further a fall.

There is only one person who will save the American people. His name is Jesus Christ.

Change.

We had an incident tonight at our house where a lit candle burned too low, producing a flame probably 6 inches off the candle. Because of that, it created smoke and (thankfully) set off our upstairs smoke detector. We were all sitting at the dinner table and after a split second of hearing the smoke detector going off, we bolted upstairs, remembering there was a lit candle. With a bit of fearlessness, if I do say so myself, the counter was mounted and the candle was blown out. Thankfully, the only casualty was the time it will take to clean up the wax that dripped everywhere. And I do mean everywhere.

With my heart pounding, and my hands shaking, I thought to myself, “wow that could have ended way differently”. What if we hadn’t been home and had forgotten that candle was lit? What if we had let the smoke detector go off thinking it was another false alarm? What if we hadn’t changed the batteries just a month ago? Yes, it could have ended incredibly different.

Later that night, I got to thinking again… why can’t things change on a dime, for the better? Or better yet, why do we expect that when things change suddenly, it is always for the worst? Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not convinced that things can change for the better in an moment’s notice. I got that phone call that said someone ran a stoplight and t-boned my sister going 50 mph. I got that word that said the cancer won. I’ve heard the call where the job was lost for someone I loved. Not good. Stealing, killing, destroying. That can’t be the work of my God…

I will fully admit to you that I don’t get a lot of things. So, this was some sort of revelation. If I truly don’t believe that my circumstances can change in my favor, instantly, I am limiting the God of the universe. I am limiting the God who spoke and then light came into existence. I am limiting the God who breathed and then life was given. And I am limiting the God who died and then lived three days later. Speaking light, breathing life, conquering death – those are feats for a miracle working God. Those are feats for a God who is willing to go to the ends of the earth for my soul.

Who am I to belittle what He has already done and think He will not, or better yet, cannot, move on my behalf?

He’s all knowing, all loving, incredibly sovereign, and a miracle working God. Even for me.

Exile.

I can't believe it's 2009, or that I have to go back to work tomorrow. I'm not sure I'm ready for either... But that's kind of how it works. We get thrown into a lot of stuff we aren't ready for, then somehow make it through only to be stronger on the other side.

Maybe that's where I am right now. This stage of life, this "exile", as Pastor Alan calls it. This stage after one has ended and before the one you want starts. Maybe this stage of life - this after college, trying to find out what to do with my life, everyone else's lives are passing me by, not being content with where I am - stage of life is all one big, divine set up.

Jeremiah plead with the Israelites to grow, get married, plant crops, establish lives in their exile (Jeremiah 29). They got kicked out of their homeland. He plead with them to be content with where they were trusting that their faith in God would pull them through.

Maybe that's why I'm so not content with what's going on around me. I feel like everyone else's lives are moving forward at a pace I can't keep up with (and oh, I try). Maybe that's why I feel like I'm becoming cynical or bitter when people around me are experiencing the happiest times of their lives. It feels like everyone else is not in their exile and I am... What if the divine set up is preparation? Am I prepared to go through a season of exile to be prepared for what God has for me? My flesh says "no", but my spirit cries, "yes".

Habakkuk also prophesied in the time of the exile, and he was firey at God about the exile. He complained, he whined, he was confused. I'm probably most like Habakkuk at this time in my life. I don't understand. I feel like my most common answer to anything regarding the future is "I don't know". And I'm downright not ok with where I am. I would say that's pretty real.

Here's the revelation I got: Jeremiah and Habakkuk were preaching to the same group of people, but their messages hit home with different personality types. There are days where I need to hear that I need to be content, and I need to continue on the path I'm on until God moves me. But there are days (probably more), where I need to see that it's ok to go to God with questions. Because I am human. I don't understand. Habakkuk finally got to the point where he submitted to God's will. And the pay off for submitting and the Israelites being exiled prepared the way for Jesus Christ.

I have only two choices at this point in my journey: I can either trust myself or I can trust God. I have failed myself countless times, not one time has God failed me (regardless of how much I don't understand what he's doing).

Habakkuk 3:17-18: Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.

New Year's Resolution...?

I've been thinking about the word "resolution". Did you know it means: a determination, to make firm to do something, firmness of purpose, a formal expression of opinion or intention made, usually after voting...?

I know this is a popular time to make "new year's resolutions". It would be easy to sit down and write: work out more (which I do need to do), drink less alcohol (which I probably should do), and read more books (which I only, at times, want to do). But what's the point of making a resolution we have no intention of keeping? How many of us actually "keep" whatever shotty goal we make for ourselves? Very few, I would venture to say.

But what if the point is making some sort of resolution, and actually keeping. The root word is resolve. Resolve means: to come to a definite or earnest decision about, to make up one's mind, to firm one's intent. When I think of resolution, I think of an unattainable goal I've set for myself to be a better person on the outside. When I think of resolve, I think of soldiers who fight for my freedom. I think of people who did something, anything, to get to their goals.

I've convinced myself that making a resolution is pointless, but having a resolve about this life is poingnant. I need to look at every day with determination. I need to be guided in my studies. I need to actually learn from the people put around me, and the situations I'm in - they do all, indeed, have a purpose.

There is nothing wrong with having goals. They are how a lot of people get up in the morning. Making goals are how we change who we are. Making goals are how we challenge ourselves to be better people, inside and out.

Have the resolve to change; not just a silly New Year's resolution.